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Like many of his fellow cabinet secretaries, Tom Ridge is resigning from his post as the nations first Homeland Security Director. He is leaving to pursue more lucrative opportunities in the private sector, to spend more time scaring his family, and because he was finding it more and more difficult to keep a straight face whenever the president uttered the words "intelligence reform". He has vowed to remain in office until a replacement candidate can be found who hasn't hidden undocumented aliens in his/her kitchen.

During his tenure, Ridge coordinated the efforts of 180,000 federal employees and 22 federal agencies, including the Coast Guard, the Secret Service, the Federal Protective Service, the Critical Infrastructure Assurance Office, the National Infrastructure Protection Center, and the Bureau of Redundancy Department. The director of The Homeland Security Policy Institute at Georgetown University, Frank Cilluffo, has described the challenges faced by Mr. Ridge as building an airplane in flight. Mr. Cilluffo has since been tapped to head the newly formed Asinine Analogies Agency.

The Homeland Security Department is perhaps best known for the five color-coded terror alert levels. Green stands for low (BTW, this is the ony mention of this color on the official White House Web site). Blue stands for guarded, yellow stands for elevated (el-e-vat-ed adj 1. high), and orange stands for high (high adj 1. elevated). If the terror alert level ever reaches red (severe), every American is instructed to wrap his or her house in plastic and duct tape. There is no purple alert.

Mr. Ridge took a lot of heat from the liberal media and late night comedians for suggesting that plastic and duct tape could be used as weapons aginst terrorism. In fairness, these were only two of many items that Americans were told to buy in case of an attack. Some emergency supplies are obvious, like canned food, bottled water and a plastic whistle. Others are more insightful, like plastic sheeting to cover windows and doors; duct tape to secure the plastic sheeting; safety scissors to cut the plastic; a 30 pc. first aid kit, in case something goes horribly wrong with the safety scissors thirty times; a battery operated radio, in case terrorists strike during an important playoff game; and a poncho, in case the s--t literally hits the fan.

Bernard Kerik seemed like the perfect successor...until he pulled out. While married to his third wife he was having sex with two mistresses simultaneously (at different times of the day). He has the stamina and time management skills to handle any position in or out or in and out and in and out of government. By marrying his second wife while still married to his first, he seemed a lock to be confirmed by the Utah delegation. He'll be fine though. He is very resourceful. He managed to have several of his apartments opulently renovated while being so broke he had to borrow money to pay for his most recent wedding reception. The construction was done by a family run construction company, Gambino and Sons, assuring a bright future in New Jersey politics. He'll land on his feet, as soon as he gets out of bed.