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Our annotated transcript of the President's speech:

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.

Suckers.

Five years ago, this date -- September the 11th -- was seared into America's memory. Nineteen men attacked us with a barbarity unequaled in our history.

If you don't count the Civil War, and Pearl Harbor and, um, a whole lotta other stuff...

They murdered people of all colors, creeds, and nationalities -- and made war upon the entire free world.

But mostly us.

Since that day, America and her allies have taken the offensive in a war unlike any we have fought before.

Actually most of our allies just took offense while we went to war, but you know what I mean.

Today, we are safer, but we are not yet safe.

Which is damned convenient.

On this solemn night, I've asked for some of your time to discuss the nature of the threat still before us, what we are doing to protect our nation, and the building of a more hopeful Middle East that holds the key to peace for America and the world.

And I desperately hope you think Afghanistan is in the Middle East.

On 9/11, our nation saw the face of evil. Yet on that awful day, we also witnessed something distinctly American: ordinary citizens rising to the occasion, and responding with extraordinary acts of courage. We saw courage in office workers who were trapped on the high floors of burning skyscrapers -- and called home so that their last words to their families would be of comfort and love. We saw courage in passengers aboard Flight 93, who recited the 23rd Psalm -- and then charged the cockpit. And we saw courage in the Pentagon staff who made it out of the flames and smoke -- and ran back in to answer cries for help.

While I, who had been specifically warned of the attack, sat in a classroom and read to children, then flew to Louisiana, then flew to Nebraska, then sat in a nuclear-bomb-proof shelter for hours, finally coming back to Washington only after all danger had passed.

On this day, we remember the innocent who lost their lives -- and we pay tribute to those who gave their lives so that others might live.

The rest of the year I don't give them a thought.

For many of our citizens, the wounds of that morning are still fresh. I've met firefighters and police officers who choke up at the memory of fallen comrades.

Of course, that could also be asbestosis they got from Ground Zero because we had the EPA lie and say the air was safe when we knew it wasn't.

I've stood with families gathered on a grassy field in Pennsylvania, who take bittersweet pride in loved ones who refused to be victims -- and gave America our first victory in the war on terror.

Often I give them signed photos of myself holding a phone and pretending to talk on Air Force One the very day their loved ones died.

I've sat beside young mothers with children who are now five years old -- and still long for the daddies who will never cradle them in their arms.

But the ten-year-olds whose fathers are in Iraq can go screw.

Out of this suffering, we resolve to honor every man and woman lost. And we seek their lasting memorial in a safer and more hopeful world.

A symbolic memorial -- I want to be clear on that. We seek a lasting symbolic memorial -- that lasts until after the November election.

Since the horror of 9/11, we've learned a great deal about the enemy.

Actually, you've learned a great deal about them. We already knew all about them.

We have learned that they are evil and kill without mercy -- but not without purpose.

And not without the FBI and other agencies tracking them and warning my Administration.

We have learned that they form a global network of extremists who are driven by a perverted vision of Islam -- a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance, and despises all dissent.

Kind of like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.

And we have learned that their goal is to build a radical Islamic empire where women are prisoners in their homes, men are beaten for missing prayer meetings,

See?

and terrorists have a safe haven to plan and launch attacks on America and other civilized nations.

Which, thanks to me, they finally have, in Pakistan.

The war against this enemy is more than a military conflict.

Which is why it's so weird that I specifically abandoned all efforts to stop it other than by using the military. Actually, I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice that.

It is the decisive ideological struggle of the 21st century, and the calling of our generation.

Well, your generation -- and your income bracket. Mine dodged both our calling and yours.

Our nation is being tested in a way that we have not been since the start of the Cold War.

If you don't count the terrorist attack on the very same WTC in 1993. Or on the USS Cole. Or in Lebanon. Or...

We saw what a handful of our enemies can do with box-cutters and plane tickets.

...and armed with the knowledge that I was President.

We hear their threats to launch even more terrible attacks on our people.

Probably in late October.

And we know that if they were able to get their hands on weapons of mass destruction, they would use them against us.

But instead of moving to secure those weapons all over the world, I pretended Iraq had them even though I knew it wasn't true. I have no idea why -- Dick told me but I forget. But I know them damn weapons are still all over the place. Russia, Pakistan.. whew doggy! I sure hope they don't hit Houston. Crawford would be ok, once I'm not President anymore -- man, do I hate that dump. Why couldn't Karl get me a "ranch" someplace fun? If I've got to cut brush for the cameras, why couldn't it be in, like, Palm Springs? Ain't they got brush in Palm Springs?

We face an enemy determined to bring death and suffering into our homes.

Well, again -- to your homes. They won't get within 20 miles of mine -- trust me.

America did not ask for this war, and every American wishes it were over.

Hell, Americans have no idea what war I'm even talking about. The "War on Terror"? The "War In Iraq"? They're as confused as I am at this point, heh-heh.

So do I. But the war is not over -- and it will not be over until either we or the extremists emerge victorious.

Which is why my policies are designed to create more extremists every day.

If we do not defeat these enemies now, we will leave our children

By which of course I mean your children

to face a Middle East overrun by terrorist states and radical dictators armed with nuclear weapons.

Like Iran, whose influence has, um, greatly increased since we took out Hussein...

We are in a war that will set the course for this new century -- and determine the destiny of millions across the world.

And in Florida and Ohio, hopefully.

For America, 9/11 was more than a tragedy -- it changed the way we look at the world.

But not the way you look at me, fortunately. That took five years.

On September the 11th, we resolved that we would go on the offense against our enemies, and we would not distinguish between the terrorists and those who harbor or support them.

Or between who had attacked us and who had not.

So we helped drive the Taliban from power in Afghanistan.

For about a year. Now they're running things again, and have established relations with Pakistan, which has given them offical safe haven from, uh, us.

We put al Qaeda on the run

In fact, they're running all over the place.

and killed or captured most of those who planned the 9/11 attacks,

Except the eleven who, you know, actually did it.

including the man believed to be the mastermind, Khalid Sheik Mohammed. He and other suspected terrorists have been questioned by the Central Intelligence Agency, and they provided valuable information that has helped stop attacks in America and across the world.

"We were stunned to get away with it even after you'd been specifically warned! We'd heard you were an idiot, but who knew?"

Now these men have been transferred to Guantanamo Bay, so they can be held to account for their actions. Osama bin Laden and other terrorists are still in hiding. Our message to them is clear: No matter how long it takes, America will find you, and we will bring you to justice.

I know I said I didn't care about him, but that was after an election, when I couldn't find him. Now we're before an election again.

On September the 11th, we learned that America must confront threats before they reach our shores, whether those threats come from terrorist networks or terrorist states.

But not if they're mentioned in a "Presidential Daily Briefing."

I'm often asked why we're in Iraq when Saddam Hussein was not responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

And I never actually give an answer that makes any sense -- not even grammatical sense. I just say "9/11" and "Saddam Hussein" in the same sentence over and over again, or talk about one then slide into talking about the other without making any real connection. Can you believe that still works? Wish I'd have learned that trick back when I was in the oil business.

The answer is that the regime of Saddam Hussein was a clear threat. My administration, the Congress, and the United Nations saw the threat

We even made up some cool pictures of it.

-- and after 9/11, Saddam's regime posed a risk that the world could not afford to take.

See? Cool, huh? Just put the two words next to each other, and bingo! Heh-heh-heh. Dick likes to throw the word "nexus" in there, but I don't know what a car has to do with it. Sometimes Dick can be kinda dumb.

The world is safer because Saddam Hussein is no longer in power.

If you count Iran. Iran is much, much safer now that Saddam Hussein is no longer in power.

And now the challenge is to help the Iraqi people build a democracy that fulfills the dreams of the nearly 12 million Iraqis who came out to vote in free elections last December.

The ones that are still alive.

Al Qaeda and other extremists from across the world have come to Iraq to stop the rise of a free society in the heart of the Middle East.

They couldn't get in there before, because Saddam would have them drawn and quartered, but now they have the run of the place. Freedom is on the march!

They have joined the remnants of Saddam's regime and other armed groups to foment sectarian violence and drive us out.

How they ever figured out there'd be sectarian violence in Iraq if Saddam was removed I'll never know. Where do these dang terrorists get such good intelligence? Have to remember to ask Dick.

Our enemies in Iraq are tough and they are committed -- but so are Iraqi and coalition forces. We're adapting to stay ahead of the enemy, and we are carrying out a clear plan to ensure that a democratic Iraq succeeds.

Yup, a clear plan. Very clear. I've seen it, and lemme tell you, it's one clear plan. Clear, clear, clear. Very clear plan. No, you can't see it.

We're training Iraqi troops so they can defend their nation.

Which, for most of them, is Iran.

We're helping Iraq's unity government grow in strength and serve its people.

For lunch.

We will not leave until this work is done.

Or until a Republican Congress is reelected so you won't find out that this is all hooey.

Whatever mistakes have been made in Iraq, the worst mistake would be to think that if we pulled out, the terrorists would leave us alone. They will not leave us alone. They will follow us.

Not that anyone, anywhere has ever suggested that if we leave Iraq "the terrorists will leave us alone". That's what Karl calls a "strongman", I think. Clever fatboy, aint' he? Heh-heh-heh...

The safety of America depends on the outcome of the battle in the streets of Baghdad.

I know what you're thinking -- you're thinking, "how is that?" Well, I ain't gonna tell ya -- I'm just gonna say "Osama bin Laden" next, so you hear his name right after the word "Baghdad."

Osama bin Laden

See? I could do that all day. Heh-heh-heh...

calls this fight "the Third World War"

Just like Newt Gingrich. Maybe they both read The Weekly Standard.

-- and he says that victory for the terrorists in Iraq will mean America's "defeat and disgrace forever."

Skinny bastard must be overjoyed we went in Iraq, instead of chasing him down. Man, did I make that rich dink look smart...whose idea was that anyway? I can't remember -- Dick? Rummy? Condi? Dang, it was so long ago I forgot.

If we yield Iraq to men like bin Laden, our enemies will be emboldened;

As opposed to now, when their quaking in their boots -- from laughing at us.

they will gain a new safe haven;

Because I gave it to them. First in Pakistan, and next in Iraq. Not to mention Iran.

they will use Iraq's resources to fuel their extremist movement.

Which I gave to them.

We will not allow this to happen.

Actually, it already has, but you don't know that, and won't find out til after the election. Note to self: send Wolf Blitzer flowers.

America will stay in the fight. Iraq will be a free nation, and a strong ally in the war on terror.

Just not on our side.

We can be confident that our coalition will succeed because the Iraqi people have been steadfast in the face of unspeakable violence.

Because, let's face it: what choice do they have? Hell, what are they gonna do, leave? Heh-heh-heh...

And we can be confident in victory because of the skill and resolve of America's Armed Forces

Heh-heh-heh-heh...let's see Harry Reid counter that. Heh-heh-heh...

Every one of our troops is a volunteer,

at least the first time we send them over there

and since the attacks of September the 11th, more than 1.6 million Americans have stepped forward to put on our nation's uniform.

None of whom I'd have given the time of day if I'd ran into them in college.

In Iraq, Afghanistan, and other fronts in the war on terror, the men and women of our military are making great sacrifices to keep us safe. Some have suffered terrible injuries -- and nearly 3,000 have given their lives.

Even the ones in the Texas National Guard -- go figure!

America cherishes their memory. We pray for their families. And we will never back down from the work they have begun.

Heh-heh-heh...love me or hate the troops...good one, Karl...heh-heh-heh-heh....

We also honor those who toil day and night to keep our homeland safe, and we are giving them the tools they need to protect our people.

Mostly in the form of huge no-bid contracts to companies that donate to me and Dick.

We've created the Department of Homeland Security.

HAHAHA...hahaha...sorry...HAHAHAHAHA...sorry, wait...heh-heh...ok, I'm ok now.

We have torn down the wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence from sharing information.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...sorry, that's such a good one....HAHAHAHAHAHA...

...I didn't catch the bad guys I was warned about -- the ones who actually attacked us -- but you let me spy on you without a warrant....HEE-HEE-HEE-HAHAHAHAHA...Oh, man, that's funny...

We've tightened security at our airports and seaports and borders, and we've created new programs to monitor enemy bank records and phone calls.

And every website you go to.

Thanks to the hard work of our law enforcement and intelligence professionals, we have broken up terrorist cells in our midst and saved American lives.

Really. We have. Seriously. Trust me.

Five years after 9/11, our enemies have not succeeded in launching another attack on our soil, but they've not been idle.

I've saved you -- but you're STILL NOT SAFE. Boo!

Al Qaeda and those inspired by its hateful ideology have carried out terrorist attacks in more than two dozen nations.

The few left that still like us.

And just last month, they were foiled in a plot to blow up passenger planes headed for the United States.

As far as you know.

They remain determined to attack America and kill our citizens

More determined every day, thanks to me.

-- and we are determined to stop them. We'll continue to give the men and women who protect us every resource and legal authority they need to do their jobs.

Unless they blow the whistle and tell you suckers the truth. Then they get worked over like you wouldn't believe.

In the first days after the 9/11 attacks I promised to use every element of national power to fight the terrorists, wherever we find them.

But I invaded Iraq instead.

One of the strongest weapons in our arsenal is the power of freedom. The terrorists fear freedom as much as they do our firepower.

Kind of like Republicans.

They are thrown into panic at the sight of an old man pulling the election lever, girls enrolling in schools, or families worshiping God in their own traditions.

Again, kind of like Republicans, if it's an old black man, a girl who's on the Pill, or gay families.

They know that given a choice, people will choose freedom over their extremist ideology.

Except in Kansas.

So their answer is to deny people this choice by raging against the forces of freedom and moderation.

They should just use Diebold voting machines. Heh-heh-heh...

This struggle has been called a clash of civilizations.

By me.

In truth, it is a struggle for civilization.

"Civilization", spelled: "O-I-L".

We are fighting to maintain the way of life enjoyed by free nations.

"Way of life", spelled: "O-I-L".

And we're fighting for the possibility that good and decent people across the Middle East can raise up societies based on freedom and tolerance and personal dignity.

So Richard Perle can get a good clean shot at them.

We are now in the early hours of this struggle between tyranny and freedom

And I've still managed to f*** it up completely.

Amid the violence, some question whether the people of the Middle East want their freedom, and whether the forces of moderation can prevail.

Don't try to find the "some" who supposedly question that -- just accept it. It's kinda important that you do.

For 60 years, these doubts guided our policies in the Middle East.

Stick with me here...

And then, on a bright September morning, it became clear that the calm we saw in the Middle East was only a mirage.

You remember all those people who saw "calm" in the Middle East, don't you? Well, they were wrong. Got it?

Years of pursuing stability to promote peace had left us with neither.

Though it had created the groundwork for me to be specifically warned of the impending attack.

So we changed our policies, and committed America's influence in the world to advancing freedom and democracy as the great alternatives to repression and radicalism.

By invading Iraq, thereby making it a terrorist haven and vastly expanding Iran's influence in the region.

With our help, the people of the Middle East are now stepping forward to claim their freedom.

And their loved one's remains

From Kabul to Baghdad to Beirut, there are brave men and women risking their lives each day for the same freedoms that we enjoy. And they have one question for us:

"Are you people absolutely out of your effing minds, electing this dumb-ass President of the United States?"

Do we have the confidence to do in the Middle East what our fathers and grandfathers accomplished in Europe and Asia?

Which is: move all your jobs there.

By standing with democratic leaders and reformers, by giving voice to the hopes of decent men and women, we're offering a path away from radicalism. And we are enlisting the most powerful force for peace and moderation in the Middle East: the desire of millions to be free.

The ones that survive will love trickle-down economics.

Across the broader Middle East, the extremists are fighting to prevent such a future.

And we've made their job much, much easier.

Yet America has confronted evil before, and we have defeated it

Though the Supreme Court stopped the count, so I won anyway, heh-heh-heh...

-- sometimes at the cost of thousands of good men in a single battle. When Franklin Roosevelt vowed to defeat two enemies across two oceans, he could not have foreseen D-Day and Iwo Jima -- but he would not have been surprised at the outcome. When Harry Truman promised American support for free peoples resisting Soviet aggression, he could not have foreseen the rise of the Berlin Wall -- but he would not have been surprised to see it brought down.

Though both Roosevelt and Truman would wonder why the hell I invaded Iraq.

Throughout our history, America has seen liberty challenged, and every time, we have seen liberty triumph with sacrifice and determination.

Until now. But hell, I ain't Rooselvelt or Truman. Suckers! Heh-heh-heh.....

At the start of this young century, America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East leave the desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty, and resume their rightful place in a world of peace and prosperity.

And work for minimum wage on our oil rigs.

We look to the day when the nations of that region recognize their greatest resource is not the oil in the ground, but the talent and creativity of their people.

....working for minimum wage on our oil rigs.

We look to the day when moms and dads throughout the Middle East see a future of hope and opportunity for their children.

And dream of a day when their children can be the ones answering our phone calls to credit card customer service lines.

And when that good day comes, the clouds of war will part, the appeal of radicalism will decline, and we will leave our children with a better and safer world.

Well, my children, anyway. Yours will be working at the Fallujah Wal-Mart. Heh-heh-heh....

On this solemn anniversary, we rededicate ourselves to this cause. Our nation has endured trials, and we face a difficult road ahead. Winning this war will require the determined efforts of a unified country, and we must put aside our differences and work together to meet the test that history has given us.

And my people will eviscerate anyone who disagrees with that.

We will defeat our enemies. We will protect our people. And we will lead the 21st century into a shining age of human liberty.

Like that? Karl got it from "Star Trek: The Next Generation".

Earlier this year, I traveled to the United States Military Academy.

For a photo-op.

I was there to deliver the commencement address to the first class to arrive at West Point after the attacks of September the 11th. That day I met a proud mom named RoseEllen Dowdell.

Or maybe it was Ellen Rose McDowell. I have no idea.

She was there to watch her son, Patrick, accept his commission in the finest Army the world has ever known. A few weeks earlier, RoseEllen had watched her other son, James, graduate from the Fire Academy in New York City. On both these days, her thoughts turned to someone who was not there to share the moment: her husband, Kevin Dowdell. Kevin was one of the 343 firefighters who rushed to the burning towers of the World Trade Center on September the 11th -- and never came home. His sons lost their father that day, but not the passion for service he instilled in them. Here is what RoseEllen says about her boys: "As a mother, I cross my fingers and pray all the time for their safety -- but as worried as I am, I'm also proud, and I know their dad would be, too."

So I sent both of them to Iraq.

Our nation is blessed to have young Americans like these

'Cause then my kids won't have to fight.

-- and we will need them. Dangerous enemies have declared their intention to destroy our way of life.

And most of them work for Rupert Murdoch. Heh-heh-heh...

They're not the first to try, and their fate will be the same as those who tried before. Nine-Eleven showed us why. The attacks were meant to bring us to our knees, and they did, but not in the way the terrorists intended. Americans united in prayer, came to the aid of neighbors in need, and resolved that our enemies would not have the last word.

The smart ones fell to their knees in panic that I was President, but thankfully there ain't enough of them living in Ohio. Heh-heh-heh...

The spirit of our people is the source of America's strength. And we go forward with trust in that spirit, confidence in our purpose, and faith in a loving God who made us to be free.

Thank you, and may God bless you.

Hope I said "God" enough times there. Maybe I should have said, "go forward with God, confidence in our God", etc. Karl said not to overdue it, but I like saying "God". "God, God God, God...Me, God, Me and God, God and Me..."

Heh-heh-heh...