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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

 

Red Sox Look to Expand Pitching Staff Appeal


Boston | October 31, 2007

Red Sox GM Theo Epstein announced today that the club would look to broaden the appeal of the club's pitching staff by adding "additional interesting and entertaining characters."

"We've done a good job of finding pitchers with built-in entertainment value, but we want to build on that success by adding some additional characters for next year."

Currently the Red Sox pitching staff boasts a young closer with a screw loose, a cocky Texas gunslinger, a Japanese kid who doesn't speak English, and a comically self-promoting but still likable southern blowhard.

"We're happy with what we've got, obviously," said Epstein, "though we were hoping Tavares would have a better year, giving us a 'loco Hispanic' on the mound more often. And clearly the left-of-center Canadian jazz-looking guy didn't work out.

"We're thinking of adding either a charming but drunk Irishman, a nerdy Jewish kid with glasses, or a bear-like German guy who likes fat woman. A tall skinny kid with crazy hair would also be a possibility. Meanwhile we'll continue to work with Dice-K to help him speak humorously incorrect English in anticipation of a break-out season next year.

Asked if there would be an available roster spot for an African-American with a comically large afro, Epstein had no comment.

"But either way," he said, "I think we'll be in good shape."

 

Please, No.


According to the NY Daily News,Um...

Let's re-sign Mike Lowell -- please.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

 

Cry Me A River


The NY Times' Pete Thamel is a bit put-out by Boston's "swaggering" fans:Hey, Pete: Rather be swaggerin' like the Sox than staggerin' like the Yanks.

Friday, October 26, 2007

 

And the Best Part of My Plan Is...


Interesting. We're trying to remember if this was part of the pitch of the insurance rules changes:

"Insurance Competition: Rates Will Probably Only Go Up A Little."

Monday, October 22, 2007

 

If You Can't Say Something Nice...


One of the best parts of a big Boston victory is reading about it in the NY Times. Here's Jack Curry's take on Daisuke Matsuzaka's performance in last night's ALCS Game 7 victory:Hey, Jack Curry: in 1991 Jack Morris was a 36 year-old, five-time All-Star in his 12th major league season, with one World Series Championship under his belt already. In Game 7 of the 1991 World Series he was pitching in Minneapolis, Minnesota -- exactly ten miles from his home town of St. Paul.

Daisuke Matsuzaka is a 27-year-old in his first season in the big leagues, in his first season in America, pitching 6369 miles from his home. He's spent the year surrounded by teammates, management, and fans who speak a variety of languages -- none of them Japanese.

Give it a rest, Jack.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

 

Ok, Enough is Enough


We know we've harped on more than a few inconsequential things in our years here, and you, Poor Readers, have been more than indulgent -- particularly when it's involved things sports-related, which (and let's be honest) are about as familiar and interesting to our normal, politically-minded readers as Conversational French is to George W. Bush.

But enough is enough.

Harp Alert: We took our seven-year-old to the Bruins/Rangers game this afternoon -- the second home game of the year -- because it had been pushed back to 4PM, thanks to the Sox game (meaning he could actually attend, for a change, since they have so few day games now.) The good news? The B's won, 1-0, in a shootout, thanks to the Mighty Pigmy, Phil Kessel. The bad news...

The bad news?

The bad news is that at the TD Banknorth Garden you now get exactly THREE "chicken strips" and "fries" for $7. Three crappy, cold, "chicken strips" piled on a heap of cold, disgusting "french fries" for $7.

A bottle of water is $4.

$4

When the guy slid the three "chicken strips" across at us we figured he'd either grabbed a tray that was missing a "strip" or two, dropped a couple along the way, or, for all we know, ate them himself between the heat lamp and the beer-soaked cash register, so we questioned him about it. Hey, this is serious business -- hockey and money -- and there's no room for squeamishness. But he explained that "they" had gone to three "chicken strips" this year, down from four last year -- on purpose. He was as disgusted by it as we were.

Our tickets -- face value -- are $102 apiece. This to see a team that placed 73rd out of 13 last year. The Boston Globe had to use longer paper stock for the NHL standings to fit the Bruins into last year's sports page. It was a fold-down section. Every NHL team and the girls JV from Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow placed ahead of the Bruins. The team gave tickets to pan handlers on the street to fill the seats; we had to share our row with a guy named "Boxcar Winnie", who was sacked out across four seats with his kit and kaboodle strewn around him and a small fire going to warm his coffee and tins of cat food.

This is the organization that wants $11 for a kid to have three crappy, cold "chicken strips", "fries," and a bottle of water.

We pride ourselves on our restraint. This is not an area of inflammatory rhetoric, except where it concerns that lying dink George W. Bush. But for much the same reason that we call Dink George a Dink, we address the man in charge of our beloved Black & Gold:

Jeremy Jacobs, you are a greedy dink.

You may have all the money in the world, but you'll never be anything but a greedy dink. And don't give us any crap about the "free market." There's a helluva lot more to life -- and business -- than that. Just ask Robert Kraft or John Henry.

It's called the satisfaction of doing a good job, of creating something worthwhile, of building something that touches people, gives them joy, and that lasts.

Or, as we in the OTHER classes call it: NOT BEING A DINK.

Friday, October 19, 2007

 

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?


Um...Uh...from daily inspections to once every two years?

Isn't there something inbetween? Like, once a month or something?

Sunday, October 14, 2007

 

Kiss That Man's Ring


Explain to us again why Tim Thomas has to earn his spot on this roster year after year? He's consistently been one of the few reasons to watch the Bruins since taking over the starting slot from Andrew Raycroft.

Bruins management is lucky he's not easily offended; plenty of goalies who don't mean nearly as much to their teams as Thomas does to his would be mightily offended to have to prove themselves worthy at training camp every season. But Tim Thomas shows up, never utters a discouraging word, then goes and and back-stops the B's -- often brilliantly -- game after game.

Is it because the hockey powers-that-be just can't get their heads around his "unorthodox" style? That he doesn't have the flawless butterfly form that worked so well (not) for Hannu Toivonen?

Well here's a clue for management that hockey fans in Boston -- most of whom adore Thomas -- already figured out, once again proving themselves possessed of sharper hockey acumen than the boys in charge: Thomas keeps the puck out of the net. That's why we love him. And that's why the team plays better in front of him: they trust him.

Really, it amazes us that rather than insult him every year with talk of "improving the goalie situation" by adding this one or that one, only to inevitably find themselves turning to him again and again, that the Bruins don't fall down on their knees and thank their lucky stars that Tim Thomas turned out to be who he is after they chased Raycroft out of town.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

 

Why?


The Bush administration was asking phone companies to spy on customers seven months before Sept. 11.

Why?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

 

Two WWII Commonwealth Serviceman Recovered


Thursday, October 11, 2007


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